I am just so lost these days. I haven't written here in years, and I'm not really sure why I am starting again now. I have no direction left in my head, and I feel as though my spirit is becoming dim and pale. I know for a fact that I am not as strong as I used to be, both mentally and emotionally. Either that, or my manic depression is getting stronger and I am just not adapting with it. All I know is that most days it takes every ounce of willpower I have left, just to keep a convincing smile on my face. My shoulder and my knee are constantly aching now as well, rather than just when it gets cold... but I guess that is what I get for letting those jack-asses toss me down the stairs in high-school that day, all those years ago. My heart aches more every passing day, and most times at night I lie in bed crying until I fall asleep. Sometimes it truly feels like it's for no reason, but I know that comes with being bi-polar... lots of downs and ups, and very little stability. Maybe I should go back and get my prescription for zoloft again, or at least trazodone so I can sleep. I am just so tired of faking a smile, so tired of trying desperately to cope with the darkness I constantly feel. I am so emotionally exhausted from maintaining my fake smile every day, that recently I have actually broken down a couple of times right in front of my friends and that is absolutely unacceptable. Even as I write this entry I can't keep the tears from streaming down my sombre face. Since I am the only one awake in the house I don't feel as bad for breaking, but it just reaffirms how weak I have become. The only shred of strength I have left is trying to hold me together, but I am afraid that I am losing my will too quickly these past few weeks. My heart knows that this is the way things have to be... I will never attain true happiness, because I don't deserve it. If not for my friends, I can't imagine where I would be right now... I know I don't deserve them, not when I can trace everything I have ever done back to a self-serving reason or purpose. Making others laugh, is to make me feel better not them. Doing something for someone else, is only because it eases my mind (the thought of doing something nice for someone makes ME feel good, and that is the only reasons I fear I have ever done so). I am slowly losing more of myself every day that goes by. I am too tired to continue this entry right now so I'll try to sleep, but I will likely be back tomorrow night... thanks for listening again journal.
~ Casey the Grey

Painful memories and feelings pass, just like everything does. Things can and do change, sometimes it is for the better and other times for worse. Can someone be happy all the time? If so... how? If you have ever loved anyone or anything, then I feel it would be difficult for you to be "happy" (as in not upset) all the time. When you allow someone to get close to you, and genuinely care for them, it becomes much easier for those people to upset you. That makes sense to me I think, although sometimes I wish it didn't. Have you ever wished sometimes that you didn't care? Not me... I like to care. It isn't anyone else's fault that I can't turn off the part of me that wants to help everyone to be happier. Sometimes I feel like I don't really know who I am. Why should I want to change that I like making others feel happier? Selfishness would be the answer to that question. Sometimes I feel like I am trying to fool myself into thinking I am not a selfish person, but when I think about all the things I do I have no choice but to feel ultimately selfish. If I try to make "Person A" feel better, isn't that only because it makes me feel better for doing so? I honestly don't know. I do know that it at least makes me feel selfish when I actually take the time to think about it. But wouldn't that mean every-time anyone wants to do something for someone else, that they are actually doing it to make their own day/mood/feeling improve? Why don't I feel like trying is enough? What if I can't help others to be happy? Do any of my friends actually enjoy my company, or am I just familiar enough now to seem comfortable to them? I don't really do anything. I have been thinking a lot about that lately, maybe thinking too much. I am so concerned that my friends just don't know how to tell me they are tired of me. Especially Adam, which is probably just a combination of thinking about his too much and that I live with him. Don't get me wrong though, I enjoy living with Adam and April... but sometimes I feel like more of an annoyance to them than anything. I have been broke recently with paying for court fees and fines to Wise County, so I haven't really been "throwing in" what I feel like my fair share is. I help Adam to smoke all of his smoke, I eat the food that my friends buy on game night because I am out of cash by the time that comes around. All that comes to is I need to stop buying cards and other things and start contributing more to my "friends" fund, which will be easier now that I only have one last payment to Wise County (although I will still have to pay my mother back). I need to start singing again, that used to help me get a lot of my emotions out even though I use other peoples words/songs. I don't care how I sound, just the act of singing something I relate to myself helps me vent emotion. Is that too Emo? I don't know... I guess all it comes down to is I feel I should do way more for my friends than I do. They all help so much in making me feel happier and like I belong somewhere, I feel like by comparison I give them nothing in return other than burdens. I am going to leave the rest of my thoughts on this for another time... getting all teary at work probly isn't the best idea. So I will finish this another time, and until then ponder my questions and feelings... maybe I am over-reacting, but maybe my friends really are frustrated with me... or just bored with me... either way I have the concern, and that is enough to make me feel this confused.

You know something? I haven't posted in a long time, maybe in too long... but here I am writing again. I am not depressed, which is one of the main reasons I have not been writing... you see this journal for me was a way to vent my sadness and frustration, and with no reason to really vent I just stopped. Things are going incredibly well for me in life right now, as I have the best friends a person (especially a person like me) could possibly want. I even live with two of them as my roommates! We get to hang out all the time, pretty much every day and that REALLY has helped me more than any of them could possibly be aware of. The most recent of these friends is my beautiful girlfriend Grace... but let me back up... Almost five years ago I had one person to talk to, and he is my little brother Justin. When I moved into my first apartment he moved with me, and we lived there for a year. It was fun, but I really only had Justin and a couple guys who would come over to drink with us. That was the other thing... I was going through at least a 12 pack of beer every night (usually MUCH more, and every single night) and some type of whiskey or vodka... Just before moving from there Justin and I had gotten enough people together to form a cover-band (which was pretty fun). We moved in to a house with our "band" and the drinking continued... the guitarist and bass player got addicted to "ice" and tried to get me into it, but I'm not going there... fast forward another year and I am moving back into my grandparents house, and have no job. I was hangin with my friend Matt, and he asked if I wanted to go check out this pen-&-paper RPG he was in "Feng-Shui". One of the other players I was familiar with was my friend Jaime, who at this time was more of an acquaintance than a close friend. The others were Adam, Russ, Paul, and David some other kid I don't remember (I might be forgetting someone here as I only met them this once?)... later they were playing in Adam's backyard and I went with Matt again... this time I also met Maggie, and soon after Kris. It wasn't until later that I met April (who at the time I really only knew as "Adam's girlfriend", since she doesn't RP) and finally started to realize that there might actually be some hope for my generation... It was about a year after meeting them that I met Grace, or rather came back into contact with Grace as I had known her since my second attempt at 8th grade. We started hangin out and watching movies, playing some video games and such... and after a fairly short amount of time we became "a couple", or however you choose to say it. These people I found to be intelligent, fun, and in general just nice to be around (can't really explain that one better than "good vibes", sorry =\ ) ... fast forward another year or so and I have moved into a house with Adam and April, I see Grace everyday (give or take one or two here and there unfortunately), and get to hang out with the whole group at least twice a week (usually it's about every other day at least that we hang out though... which ROCKS). I know that whole entry was fairly pointless but I felt like getting some happiness out instead of sadness. So thank you people who saved my life, and gave me hope again... I really needed it guys, seriously, my sincerest thanks and, I know this sounds "gay" (whatever) but... I love you guys. PEACE =)

Well, disregard the last two posts... I'm good... =) ... k, I'm not real good at this whole posting to the journal when I'm not venting soooo... bye ^_^

and something more... all of what I said in my last post ("thoughts") ... is not meant to be scary, it is just how I am feeling. Please try not to think too much less of me... I am trying... I am just exhausted... hopefully I will just "get over it", and I know this is all just whiny bullshit that no one wants to hear and I apologize for even bringing all my shit into your day or into your life ... I know I'm weak, and I'm sorry for that too, you were all just too "cool" for me to pass up. Please don't say anything to my family... I will handle that in my own way, myself... and know that although you may see me today after all this... I need a day or two... give me time, and hopefully I can pull this useless shell together... this husk of human life is just falling apart... also, just in case, if I am... found... please DO NOT let them bury me, my family might try for that and their reasons for it I don't believe in. I don't want to be anchored six feet into the earth. I'm sorry... remember that I will at least try to make it through today, I have to force myself out of it long enough to prepare at least, if not think myself out of it... just please remember I never wanted to bother anyone, let alone all of you. I know I probably will not have the courage to go through with this, and should never have written my thoughts "out loud"... if I survive, I hope you can all forgive my cowardice, but if not I understand... all too well...

thoughts and images stream through me head. when the silence comes, I must be dead. I can't help anything, or anyone... and perhaps that is best... I don't feel "right" and I may never... this week has destroyed me... in the past 4-5 years, I have not slipped back into this feeling... but now here I am, grasping for every edge on the way down. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry... I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry... I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry... and I am... no one can save me today... nothing will bring me all the way out of this... I have brought all this into my head, and since I can't even control my thoughts anymore I feel more useless than ever. Who would ever want to be around such a shell... because I am not a person, I'm "evil"... if there is such a thing... and I am too exhausted to think about that... I didnt sleep a wink last night, and I am not even very tired... what would it matter if I was gone... the only thing that keeps me from "leaving" here is the thought it might hurt others, and at this point that is almost not enough, and almost too much all at once. I will give it a few days yet, since a decision like that should never be made in haste... no matter how much I want to "go". I'm not sure I want to wait to fade anymore... all this could be over in minutes if I just had more determination, more guts... I'm such a coward... I wanted to wait to end all this until after I could accomplish a specific task later in my life, and as much as I THINK I want to do that, I don't think I have the patience to wait to be ready for that. I may never be ready to bring myself to such evil acts, but if I somehow make it that far in life I will go through with my plan. But to be honest... I may not make it through TODAY... let alone the next few years... at least I know that if I can make it till 30, I might accomplish something before I try to remove myself from this existence. and in case I don't make it through the next couple days: I'm sorry to everyone who I might hurt by being such a coward and "leaving", I tried to stay alone through these "preparation years", but the friend's I found were worth it... I just hope that I don't hurt them with my absence... to all of you whom I consider friends (hopefully you know who you all are, even though I think only one or two of you might see this entry... please pass it along) thank you for all of your support and I love you all. Not sure yet, but...
A possible good-bye,
Casey

I slept last night, not long (about 3 hours), but I SLEPT. That was nice, since normally I wake up every 30-45 minutes. I don't know yet how much better I am doing today, but so far I have managed to stay "smiling". I feel so much more comfortable when my happy-mask fits. I did something horrible yesterday, and because of it I feel like I am in a video-game where your respect level drops... that is the case, and I know that my "respect level" had to have gone down at least a few notches... I mean, how can you respect someone who can't even control themselves and starts whining when his world gets "dim". I don't care too much about getting physically hurt the other night, I am sure that somehow I deserved it... it wasn't my business anyway. But yesterday I not only "lost control", but I did so in a position that affected others... and THAT is simply unacceptable. The people I hold the most respect for witnessed my change... without my "happy-mask" I was lost... and I am not supposed to CAUSE issues, I am supposed to help SOLVE them. All I managed to do successfully was show off how pathetic I can get. Today my left side and my knee may still hurt, but my feelings hurt far worse. I'm still thinking, and I keep trying to make myself feel better, but the truth of the matter is that I fucked up. I tried to contain myself, and I failed. Now I know I have at least caused some discomfort, and now those witnesses must be thinking "oh great, how often does he do THIS? Is this gonna happen everytime he has a "bad day"... geez, what a joke" ... now that isn't exactly a direct quote, but I am sure that is they way they feel to at least some degree... and now there is nothing I can do. I changed from "me" yesterday into "Casey", and I don't like him very much... and yesterday's change certainly didn't help that opinion.

I have been running my head in circles all day. How can every single passing thought bring with it such confusion? Yet with all the confusion, at least I have something to think about. I am becoming increasingly frightened at the thought of clearing out all the voices. Sometimes thinking, even if it is over something stressfull, is all I feel I have left. At the end of the day I am always left with the same results anyway, regardless of what I thought about or what I did about those thoughts... alone... at the end of my day I walk into my room, the door clicks shut behind me... and I am alone. It is probably just my mood talking anyway... it's not like alone is so bad all things considered, it could be a lot worse. This is BS, forgive that I was ever here... forgive that I had to think about this... there is no excuse, even if there is a reason. One day I will just vanish, and fade out... until then, I'll see you around... and I promise to try my best not to bring any of this emo bullshit with me. peace.
you know what else? fuck spellcheck I am going to spell "stressfull" however the fuck I choose... a stupid fucking "-" doesn't change a damned fucking thing.

Well the planet spun around once more to cause the illusion of a "new day", and here I am... sitting, thinking, and listening. Listening is perhaps the one that causes me the most trouble, as I sometimes the voices say things I don't want to hear. I always thought listening to myself, or rather listening to all the different "voices" in my mind, was a good idea... and I may not be wrong, but something isn't quite "right" either. I try really hard to keep things sorted inside my head, but that is becoming increasingly more difficult as the days pass that I can't stop my mind from racing. Every day that passes I grow a little more, and as more time "passes" I will hopefully not regret every decision I have ever made. I have so many regrets built up to today... and there is never anything I can do to change them, and even if I could... would I? ... I know what -I- want... but that hasn't ever held much weight in my decisions. I have made wishes before, as I am sure everyone has at some point, and most of them have not been about me... and why is it that I have to feel guilty for wanting something? Why do I have to feel like my opinion / feelings don't count EVEN IN MY OWN LIFE? I wish I had that answer, and that wish IS for me, and right now I couldn't care less... and THAT bothers me too. All of my problems today, as with anytime really, are strictly due to me and my being selfish. So in the end of this entry, since I still don't feel talking through this with myself out-loud, and even typing it to this journal has made any progress towards my thoughts... so here it is for ya: I am a cold and selfish person. Nothing I will ever do will amount to anything... and THAT truly scares me.

SO... when everything you feel is slowly sinking downward what are you left with? Nothing. That's what I feel like most of the time. Ever felt scared? tired? evil? worthless? Ever felt all of those at the same time? Did you feel like nothing? What does "nothing" feel like? I can tell you exactly what nothing feels like... me... nothing is me, and let me explain. I feel sad for no reason most of the time, although I do my absolute best to hide it. I believe that is the case because I am not supposed to be "happy", but I am supposed to do my best to help others be "happy". I am judging, even though I claim and try not to be, especially to those who would hurt others in any way by intent for their own self-gain or amusement. I do not feel those people deserve help, even if the help were to come from "nothing". I choose to be around the people who I find to be caring, intelligent, and there is more than actions that go into that determination. A lot of it comes from talk or discussion, as well as a lot by action surely, but there is a "feeling" about some people. So... I judge others. I have no right to do this, especially on the day to day basis that I seem to do so, but I do. While this contributes to feeling "evil" it is not the only source, I also seem to take at least some pleasure... let me repeat that word "pleasure"... in the suffering of those people who I deem "bad". Why do I do this? I couldn't answer that. What does it make me think of myself? ... nothing ... that's all there is to me really. ... In the moments after the descent I crash through the metal of my plane, through the hard rock at the earth's surface, and into the heat of the center of the earth... breathing in the thick, super-hot air my lungs combust and my eyes are burned through. This feeling fades as the charred surface of my flesh begins to melt cleanly away, and as my bones are being enveloped by the liquid-hot rock I might be tempted to fall away and release myself from the pain, but that is not my place... I am meant to endure it, and it is meant to be a part of who I am. In the feelings of pain or sadness, I sometimes lose the fight... but I will usually just smile on... sometimes smiling can be so hard, and take so much... but I wear it well. To hide this from others might be my greatest achievement... and isn't that a lovely thought: The greatest achievement in your life is a secret kept even from those who you would tell if you could. Why? because no matter how bad I feel, like today right now, or tomorrow, or years from now, I have to let it fade... fade so that new sadness has a place to call home, because what if that pain or sadness is sent to me so that someone else will not have to endure it... because I will... and in the end all this is just guess-work from within this bleak shell that is me. So when will I have made up for whatever is wrong with me that I have to feel this way. I have too seriously considered suicide in the past, and there is a difference between wishing for death or choosing to fade.